Why do people die?

Yes, a very dumb question with and obvious answer, but really why?
Why would God let a 22 year old boy over dose on drugs?
Why?
Why would God let a 13 year old girl get in a car accident and die?
Why?
Why would God let a father hit her daughter?
Why?
Maybe I've finally found my reason for not believing in God, for being bitter at him. Because dispite what I say sometimes I do beleive in God, but I'm just so angry at him. Yes, theres alot of good in this world but bad always over powers good.

im anti social but outgoing
im insecure cant eat infront of boys but a prideful feminist
i compare myself to her at times
i can understand the beginnings and ends of the bible
but i cant even understand why breakups happen
or why i scream in the mirror every morning
or why im shy when i should yell
im constantly changing
i guess im just uncomfortable
i wear bright colors
im insprired by the color green
and by the sounds of pianos
but im happy when its dark
with shades closed
i sometimnes hold onto things that dont belong to me anymore
year old flowers are still in my closet
but i feel liberated when i burn your pictures
just remember that i loved you first
when it comes to love
id rather read a book
like that girl said,
if their was a better way to go then it would find me
my roads are always winding
ive laughed inside a bathroom stall
i can be hopeful at times
but mainly discouraged and disatisfied with life
but i will always be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel

Instead of my usal bitching and such, some lyrics will do, I suppose.


I wonder what you look like
Under your t-shirt
I wonder what you sound like
When you're not wearing words
I wonder what we have
When we're not pretending
It's never-ending, haven't you heard?
I don't need to tell you
What this is about
You just start on the inside
And work your way out

im a strange mood and there are a million things going on in my head right now and i can't think straight.

i want to be girly and feel pretty, but not too girly if that makes sense. but at the same time, i want to be comfy and "regular". i don't feel like myself. something feels really wrong..lately ive been tired and easily annoyed. i really just want to be really happy and enjoy the things im doing but i can't seem to do that. everything just seems like a long schedule and i feel like im living my life for the wrong reasons and i need to focus but i feel like i cant put my finger on it. i can't reach my goal. i need confidence and i want to feel better about myself. i've tried everything, i really have and im just lost. i just want to be happy and free, is that too much to ask?

People tell me, I act too old for my age. But then I constantly hear people complaining about 'stupid freshmen', it's like we're all out to please eachother. Everyone wants to make everyone else happy, when you know it's impossible. Possibly I became this way because eldest sister gave me a taste of partying, and I liked it and I wanted more. Or maybe because when I am sober, I think way to much. I sit and think about everything so in depth. A 15 year old shouldn't be wondering about fate and death, I should be concerned about clothes and shit. And I tend to think I know more than I do. It's a bad habit, and I want to stop, but how? Back the age problem, how do I starting acting my age? Not going to parties anymore, not drinking, no drugs, just sit at home or my friends house, talk about boys and play truth or dare? You tell me. How do you get back you innocense and become naive again? How do you act your age when your already past it?

aglo 55: party hard

aglo 55: smoke out

aglo 55: drinkout

aglo 55: go home

aglo 55: sleep out

aglo 55: eat out

aglo 55: sleep out

aglo 55: go out

aglo 55: smoke out

aglo 55: drink out

aglo 55: sleep out

aglo 55: eat out

aglo 55: sleep out

aglo 55: church out





me and b's life.

I'M GOING TO DIE ON SPRINGBREAK

I hate amy, I hate her so much. I hate the way people look at her, and shes the nice sister and the quiet one and the smart one, and the althetic one. I fucking hate being compareded to her, I fucking hate it. I hate when shes apart of my life, I hate it so much. It's like shes so caught up with her fucking boyfriend and thats it, and it's like when she wants to be a part of my life it's for all the wrong reasons, I fucking hate her so much. I hate her. I hate that stupid boy. He's trying to hook up with all my friends, now who does that. If you somehow read this sometime, I fucking hate you so much. I hate hating people but I do, I hate them. I just can't wait till next year, Amy will be gone, and I'll be here, and the juniors will graduate and be out of my life, and I can live like a normal person. I can't fucking wait.

Nothing good ever lasts. Nothing. Evenutally everything good in our lives will end. Relationships, jobs, friendships. Everything. Nothing last forever. So why even start something when you know it's going to end?

I am so god fucking fed up with being number two. In fucking sports, I wasn't number one, no I was number fucking two. It really got to me in volleyball, I suppose thats the main reason I quit. It's just how things are, I'm not fucking all around athlete, brains and shit. I fucking study and work my ass off to start in games. And I was just tired of doing it. And it just draws the fucking line when I'm number two, to someone. I have been picked over so many fucking girls. God it makes me so angry. Some girls that are so not even attrative have picked them over me. God, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why would a guy pick a slutbag hoe over me? Yeah I'm not fucking movie star/model, but I'm not ass ugly either. And the worst of all, getting picked over by your best fucking friend. Let me tell you a bit about my bestfriend. Um well shes a size double 0, tan, blonde hair absoulty fucking gorgeous and guess who likes her, hahah OF COURSE the guy I like. Well this whole love triangle we've been through before and in the end he doesn't get her and I dont get him. So why can't he just settle for second best? Because I'm not good enough. This whole post has been written out of pure anger but it's not like I can call my bestfriend and spill my heart out to her about this. God it just makes me sick that he could do that. He can clearly see that she is like in love with this other kid, yet he doesnt like me, he likes her. Fucking her. And the other thing that pisses me off is that he doesnt see that him liking her makes me resent my bestfriend. Whenever I see her even look at him, giving him the slightest bit of attention my fucking stomache churns. It's not her fault, she can't just ignore him and be bitch. So this story will end the same way it has before, my bestfriend will be happy with her guy, the guy I like that likes my bestfriend will be heartbroken and I will be stuck at square fucking one trying to find someone new. Fuck this. I am so sick of being number fucking two.

I need to stop drinking.








all that is needed to be said.

He said, "The different people are not like other people,
but being different is nothing to be ashamed of.
Because other people are not such wonderful people.
They're 100 times 1,000. But you, You're one times one!
They walk all over the earth. You just stay here.
They're common as weeds, but you. YOU'RE BLUE ROSES."
I said, "blue is so wrong for roses"
and he said "it's right for you"


I don't want to be alone anymore.

I want a boy. I want a boy who will text me sweet things. I want a boy who will surprise me constantly. I want a boy who will tell me I look beautiful with nothing but a tee-shirt and my hair up. I want a boy who will kiss me on the forehead instead of trying to put his tongue down my thoart all the time. I want a boy that I can smoke and drink with. I want a boy that I can go to parties with. I want a boy who will jump off roofs into pools. I want a boy who will throw rocks at my window. I want a who will burp and wrestle with. I want a boy who will play me gutiar for me. I want a boy I can take showers with and run around in our just socks. I want a boy who will send me lyrics and make them feel like he wrote them for me, but he didn't. I want a boy I can listen to brand new with. I want a boy that I can actually watch a movie with. I want a boy I can fool around with and giggle and laugh the whole time. I want a boy that will tell me I'm beautiful everyday. I want a boy who wont get jelaous if I talk to other guys. I want a boy who will say up till 4 in the morning talking to me. I want a boy who will sneek into my house and stay the night with me. I want a boy that doesnt say to much, but when he does its amazing. I want a boy who will hold my hand in the halls. I want a boy who will give me butterflies when he looks at me. I want a boy with amazing eyes. I want a boy that knows what hes doing ;]. I want a boy that I actually enjoy kissing. I want a boy that I can make-out with for hours. I want a boy that I can sneek out with and dance in the moonlight high. I want a boy that will be loyal to me. I want a boy who doesn't lie and if he does it's because he doesn't want to tell me I look fat in a shirt. I want a boy who will respect my wishes to do certain things. I want a boy who loves music and sleeping. I want a boy who I happy with just simple things. I want a boy that will make everday seem like it's our last. I want a boy that I can tell everything too. I want a boy who will make fun of me (if it's nice). I want a boy that will skip school with me. I want a boy that will sneek into a hotel and go swimming with me. I want a boy that alot of people like. I want a boy who is wanted at parties. I want a boy who doesn't talk to much but not a mute. I want a boy who looks so cute in cons. I want a boy that doesnt get mad when people make fun of him, he just sits there and smiles. I want a boy that a cute odd name. I want a boy that is insiteful and makes me think. I want a boy that notices the little things. I want a boy will argue with me about policial shit. I want a boy that has a nice body but not that great. I just want a boy who I can have fun with and not get too serious with because it's only highschool.

I just want a boy. this boy.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do without my bestfriend. AO is like my left leg I can't walk without her, I just can't and it's not like she'll be moving 20 mins away its like an hour or two..I don't know what I'm going to do with out her. I can't even imagine right now. I don't know what happened to my parents marriage. It's like everyone is divorced now. Is anyone happy anymore? How do you pick between your parents. How do you decide which one you want live with? How do you deal with all the dumb shit you've done and you realize how bad you hurt someone from it? Someone tell me the answers because I don't know anymore. A good friend of mine told me he thought I was border-line depressed and I'm starting think maybe I am.

Lust. It's so funny how it can be so great and so terrible. I imagine alot of things would be different if lust didn't infer in our lives. What do you do when something happens with a boy you've liked for about ever, but it wasn't a full on crush, just something in the back of your head. And it so happens that their bestfriend is your ex boyfriend, the boy of you "dreams", the boy that you've had some firsts with, the boy that cares about you so much. What do you do? What I did was dumb. I ignored my ex boyfriends feelings for me, because he wanted to try things again, but that stupid crush was just so much more important to me at the time. And I fucked up. Because it turns out this dumb crush I had on this dumb boy, didn't really want anything out of it. He just led me on. So where am I now? I'm still lost. Do I want to just be with my ex boyfriend and try and be happy and forget everything, or do I just go on doing what I'm doing? Why do I pick the worse people to have lust with? Why can't it be like how it was in the old days, when you didn't even kiss a man till your were like engaged? Why does lust have to effect us so much?

The shower is my favorite place in the whole world. Yes, I know your thinking..weird. In the shower I'm alone and I have no one to bug me, but mostly because thats when I think the most. Today I thought about what is going to happen to this world, at this rate half of the kids in my highschool have had sex or tried drugs and alcohol, what is going to happen to my generation? What the hell am I going to do when I graduate, obviously collage, but do I want to go into the medical feild and become a doctor and make alot of money and have no life but hospital life? Or do I want to do something intereting like become a Marine Biologist and live by ocean? I just don't know yet, I'm 15 give me a break. Mainly today I thought to myself how is there a God? How is there God when woman get rapped, little girls get abused by their alcohloic fathers or when someone like Mallory Lang dies? She was only 13 years old, she never got to experience driving, highschool, parties, graduating and sex or winning at state. She would've gone to state for swimming and won weather it was her sophmore year or her senior year, she would've done it. She had everything. She was one of those girls in junior high that everyone wanted to be like. She was very popular, because in junior high thats what mattered. Even though she all that she was so nice to the werid kids, so nice to everyone. When people die, usally everyone says the nice things never then negative, but honstely I don't think Mal had any bad qualities about her. It doesn't make sense, how can there be a higher power when so much bad happens? Then it came to me, we're thinking about all the bad and not the good we have in our lives. We concrate on the evil and not the good. It's true evil wins to good. Does that mean we all have the devil in us? You tell me, I'm not very relgious because I question God alot. But why have so much evil when we can appericate the good?

I've come to realize, that I'm not a jealous person. I use to be very jealous of people. Mostly if I had a boyfriend and stupid sluts would flirt with him or something or even my boyfriends ex girlfriends, I use to go crazy about. But now I never get jealous. It's like I just don't care anymore. Is my attitude bad towards things if I don't care?